I have never dealt well with change, or loss or the passing of time. These three inevitable and fundamental parts of life have proved trying and emotional for me since I was a child. My upbringing was rooted in change; houses, schools, friends and pets. I lost many individuals that I had held dear at a very young age, and during that process I came close to losing myself. So, perhaps I should be used to it by now, but alas no.
I have been struggling specifically with personal change lately, feeling out of control and left behind as if being the only stationary figure on a platform of moving people, changing parts and the rush of life around me. As if everything I was doing and experiencing was decided for me, just beyond my grasp of control. Of course it can only be said that the opposite is true, there must come a time in my life where I refuse to be passive, to choose to walk among that rush of people and embrace change for the inevitable cycle that it is.
These days I refer to my bible for guidance, I have clung to my certainty of faith for as long as I can remember It being my choice to do so. However, in recent weeks I have felt that even my faith has left me behind, refusing to wait for me any longer, it has started to fade into the distance. It is a truly terrifying feeling to lose something that I thought I had, for once a firm grip on. Do I find security in my faith purely for what it is, a firm belief in a higher power. Or because it is one of the singular things that I am truly in control of. A question only I can answer, but no less worth talking about. Or perhaps it is a test, if the one thing you are staying put for is leaving, why are you still staying put. Time and tide wait for no man, and my stubbornness, determination or desire for things to ever be the same will not stop the sun setting, and rising. It will not stop those I love ageing and the ones I held dear leaving me. For no one and nothing can stop the passing of time.
I must refer in times like these to Ecclesiastes 3:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
If the thing I fear most in the world is something that happens every second of everyday, how do I start coming to terms with it? How can I play a more active role in my life? Its a question I have been mulling over for a while now. I have yet to come to a certain answer, but I have taken to noting down my feelings, being more aware of myself, and I think; most importantly taking more enjoyment in the everyday. Appreciating every small and large thing that happens to me.
Below, a poem that resonates particularly strongly with me.